Head Over Heart
by N Tonks Fan
Summary: Set after S2 Ep 15. It's the day after the battle and Lexa is desperate for news on what has happened to Clarke.
1. Chapter 1

**Had originally intended this as a one shot but I ended up rambling on for longer than I thought I would! That Lexa is just too captivating! **

It was the morning after the battle. Lexa had allowed her people to celebrate their victory the night before but now it was time to return to business. They may have resolved their quarrel with the Mountain Men but there were still plenty more unknown enemies out there. It would not do to get complacent now, not after all that they had been through.

She gazed unseeingly at the young group of warriors being trained. Her thoughts were elsewhere. On the outside she gave the appearance of a Commander revelling in their victory but on the inside her emotions were in turmoil.

_Clarke._

The one she claimed to care for yet had abandoned in her time of need. Left to die in battle or to be recaptured by the Mountain Men for surely there was no way that they could be defeated without the Grounders help. Without Lexa's help…

Guilt ebbed away at Lexa's consciousness. She did not usually let such trivial emotions affect her but as much as she hated to admit it she had changed. Clarke had changed her. She had grown weak around Clarke, let her guard down, shared her feelings with the other leader. It was something that she was unaccustomed to doing. Leaders had to focus on all of their people, they had no time for any one individual. Even if that individual was Clarke.

Would Clarke have done the smart thing and retreated? Unlikely. She cared for her people as Lexa did for hers. She would have continued the fight alone and likely perished.

Her death was on Lexa. She would have to carry the weight of that around for the rest of her life. It was a weight that rested heavier on her than the deaths of all those from Tondc. As a leader she had always remained detached from her people. She could not afford to be their friend. She was the one that they both feared and respected. In some ways this made their deaths easier for her to endure. Clarke was different however. Clarke had shattered through Lexa's icy veil and uncovered the raw emotions that lay underneath. Emotions that she had reluctantly allowed to surface and that she had finally given in to when she kissed Clarke.

Lexa closed her eyes and thought back to what had occurred between Clarke and herself the previous day .She had heeded Clarke's advice to live her life and had taken a chance. A chance that had almost paid off until that boy had resurfaced. _Finn._ The boy that Clarke had loved but had been forced to kill because of Lexa. She refused to feel anything for the boy. He had murdered her people and so in return had to pay. _Blood must have blood. _It was the way of their people. She knew that Clarke blamed her for his death but she had still returned Lexa's kiss with equal passion. She could still feel her soft lips, her tender hand on Lexa's back…

"Commander!"

Lexa jumped and cursed at herself for allowing such thoughts to enter her mind out with the privacy of her own tent. She was ashamed for exposing her weakness in front of her people.

"What?" she snapped.

"The scout parties are ready to depart," one of her men reported.

"Good," she nodded. "Remember to stay out of sight. We cannot break the truce with the Mountain Men. Report back as soon as possible," she dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

She realised the irony of her words as she had broken the alliance with the Sky People but war was war. They had suffered far greater losses at the hands of the Mountain Men than the Sky People ever would.

Lexa retreated to her tent and ordered her guards to let no one enter. She needed to be alone. She had always preferred her own company, well up until Clarke had appeared and she had learned that companionship was something that she could learn to enjoy. Clarke had grown to trust and respect Lexa and Lexa had begun to hesitantly trust Clarke too. Unfortunately for Clarke she had put her trust in the wrong person.

Lexa sighed and began to drum her fingers on her chair. Patience had always been something she had prided herself on but not today. Not when she was awaiting the news on the fate of the one she loved. She had arranged three search parties – one for the mountain, one for the mines and one for the Sky People's camp. She had to know either way what had become of Clarke.

Her head was telling her that Clarke was dead but her heart was clinging to strands of hope. The waiting was unbearable. Every footstep that she heard caused her to sit up alert but no one ever approached her tent. She was truly alone in the agonising wait.

Hours passed but Lexa was unable to do anything apart from sitting and staring at the walls of her tent. She was too tense to sleep and too anxious to eat. She did not know how much longer she could take this torture.

The scout group from Camp Jaha were the first to arrive back.

"The Sky People have returned to their camp," one of her men reported. "Even the ones from inside the Mountain."

"How is that possible?" Lexa questioned.

The guard shook his head.

Lexa was desperate to ask about Clarke but now that the time had come she found it difficult to form the words.

"Their leader?" she asked hesitantly.

Once more the guard shook his head.

Lexa's knees buckled.

"Dead?" she whispered.

She fought hard to retain her composure despite wanting to drop to the ground and scream.

"We don't know Commander. We watched their camp for hours but there was no sign of the girl."

Lexa nodded and backed away from the guard. She was still no closer to finding out what had become of Clarke and it was tearing her up. Clarke was consuming all of her thoughts which was interfering with her ability to be a good leader. She needed to know…

She could go to the Sky People's Camp directly and ask them but she knew she would not be well received there anymore. Not after she had betrayed them. She would have to figure out another way.

It was after nightfall before the final two search parties returned with news that shocked Lexa.

"They're all dead?" she echoed the Grounders words. "All of them?"

"Every last one of them," her man confirmed.

"Clarke," Lexa breathed. "It had to have been."

For the first time she allowed her heart to take precedence over her head. If the Sky People had returned safely and all of the Mountain Men were dead perhaps Clarke had survived. Hope welled up inside of her. For once she allowed her emotions to run free.

"Thank you," she informed the men. "I need you to organise another party to go back to the Sky People's Camp. I want that place on 24 hour watch and I need to find Clarke their leader," she instructed.

"But why commander?" the Grounder asked. "The war is over. We have no need for the Sky People anymore."

"You dare question me?" Lexa asked coldly. "I am your commander and you will do as I say. The Sky People have shown themselves to be a formidable enemy. We cannot allow them to come after us next. Their leader is angry with us right now and may want revenge, she is a dangerous woman and should not be underestimated. Now go!"

It was not really a lie she told herself. Clarke and the Sky People could pose as a threat. She would never dare to admit though that the reason for finding Clarke was for a matter of the heart and not for the safety of the Grounders.

Lexa once more returned to her tent. She attempted sleep but her brain was buzzing with thoughts of Clarke and the agonised look she had given Lexa when she realised Lexa had betrayed her. She replayed Clarke's final begging words:

"_Please don't do this."_

Words that had torn her up inside but that she had forced herself to ignore for the good of her people.

She then thought back to her own last words to Clarke. Perhaps the last words she would ever speak to her again:

"_May we meet again."_

She longed for this statement to be true. For now all she could do was torment herself by replaying her decision to abandon Clarke over and over again in her head.

She must have eventually drifted off for she awoke to find her personal guard standing over her.

"What is it?" she demanded.

"Sorry Commander but the hunting crew have just returned from their trip with a prisoner."

"Well lock them up as we usually do and I'll get to them later. Was it really necessary to wake me for this?"

The guard hesitated. "I apologise Commander… it's just…. It's the one you were looking for… the dangerous one… the leader of the Sky People."

"Clarke…" Lexa exhaled slowly. "She's alive?"

Relief swept over Lexa, she allowed herself to bask in it for a few seconds before she composed herself.

"Take me to her," she ordered sharply.

**That's it for Chapter 1. Hope you enjoyed it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who has read and followed this! It means a lot! **

As they made their way across the camp the initial release that Lexa had felt was replaced with uncertainty. Clarke was not going to be pleased to see her after the events of their last meeting. She would be even more displeased at being captured and thrown in a cage.

Lexa stopped outside the prison. Now that she knew that Clarke was just behind the door she felt afraid. She had never been afraid of anyone before. Intimidated maybe but never afraid. She had always had to be fearless in the face of danger; it was what the Commander needed to be. The fact that she was now scared to come face to face with the one she loved unsettled her. She did not like feeling this out of control.

After a brief delay she stepped inside and ordered the guards to remain outside.

Clarke was sitting on the floor her hands and feet bound. She looked up as Lexa entered. Lexa was able to see the brief flash of hurt before her face hardened.

Lexa stopped short and fixed her gaze on Clarke. There was so much she longed to say about how remorseful she felt about abandoning her, how distraught she was when she thought she was dead, the elation she had felt when she found out she was alive. She could not bring herself to say any of these things however. The anger on Clarke's face was disturbing her so once more she concealed her emotions.

"I'm glad that you and your people are safe," she told Clarke stiffly.

"No thanks to you," Clarke spat.

Lexa jumped at the ferocity of Clarke's tone.

"I am sorry Clarke but I stand by the decision that I made. I did not want to betray you and your friends but circumstances change."

"You left me and all my people to die!" Clarke exclaimed. "And now you have me locked in a cage!"

Her words stabbed at Lexa. She longed to tell her how she had thought of coming back for her that night, that she had pined for her ever since but she dared not to. Not with the way that Clarke was feeling about her at the moment.

"I had faith in you," Lexa told her. "Faith that was clearly well placed according to my scouts report from the mountain. As for you being brought back here, that was not my command. I had ordered them to search for you but not to bring you here. I apologise."

"You've been spying on me?" Clarke asked.

"Not spying… Searching," Lexa mumbled. "I needed to know if you were safe."

As soon as she said the words she regretted it. Once again she had exposed her feelings to Clarke. Only this time it was to a version of Clarke that she hardly recognised.

"Oh now you're concerned about my wellbeing," Clarke snorted. "It was ok to abandon me on the battlefield though!"

"Clarke please," Lexa pleaded. "You know me. You know that my priority has always been the wellbeing of my people. Try to understand how I came to the decision that I made and trust me when I say it was not easy for me to turn my back on you."

She could tell that she was losing Clarke but as someone that was used to getting her own way she was not about to give her up so easily.

Lexa took a step towards Clarke: "Let me untie you," she offered.

"Get away from me," Clarke jerked away.

Lexa drew her hand back, stung. There was only so much more of this she could take before Clarke's anger sparked her own short temper.

"In time you will come to see that I did the right thing Clarke and that you yourself would have done the same had our roles been reversed. I understand your anger towards me but I can also see the self loathing in your eyes. Why were you out in the woods alone without any protection?"

Clarke glared at her for a moment before dropping her head in shame.

"Because of what I did," she admitted.

Lexa allowed some of the tension from her body to evaporate. She cautiously crouched down beside Clarke, ensuring to maintain a safe distance between them.

"I killed them all," Clarke choked. "Men, women, even the children… Hundreds of innocent lives taken by me!"

"None of them were innocent Clarke," Lexa told her severally. "They all used our blood and they would all have taken your bone marrow to allow them out on to the ground."

"But the children," Clarke gasped.

"Would have grown up to do the exact same thing as the adults," Lexa warned her.

Her body craved to reach out and comfort Clarke but she sensed that now was not the time. She felt the other girls pain as her own but could do nothing to stop it.

"The people that were on our side…"

"Casualties of war," Lexa told her simply.

Clarke's head snapped up and she met Lexa's steely gaze with helplessly searching eyes.

"How can you say that?" she asked.

"Because I learned to accept a long time ago that people will come and go. We have no control over life and death. Whether we care for these people or not they will all eventually leave us Clarke. You have suffered many losses as have I. It becomes easier over time I promise but the more you care for the people the harder it is to let go. That is one of the reasons why I chose not to let my feelings rule me… well why I have done up until recently…" Lexa trailed off.

She broke eye contact with Clarke, unable to keep staring into those lost eyes. The words had tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

A silence hung in the air. Neither seemed willing to break it. Lexa wondered whether she should get up and leave but a greater force was preventing her from moving away from Clarke.

"I-" Lexa began but quickly lost her courage, something that she was not used to.

Clarke gazed at her earnestly, willing her to continue.

Lexa cleared her throat. "I just want you to know that despite what I did I still care deeply for you Clarke…"

"I know," Clarke whispered. "And I do understand your decision Lexa. It is not dissimilar to the decision I had to make in the end. We both chose the lives of our own people over others. But I need time to process everything that has happened."

"You first have to find it in you to forgive yourself before you can think about forgiving me," Lexa said wisely.

"But that's the problem," Clarke gulped. "I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself…"

Lexa felt deflated at this admission. Now that she had found Clarke again it was not enough for her just to be alive, she needed Clarke to forgive her, to perhaps even reciprocate Lexa's feelings for her.

"You did the right thing Clarke. You had to save your people. It was the only way. You cannot let this consume you. Wasn't it you that once told me that our lives should be about more than just survival? We have survived the battle with the Mountain so now it is time to start living. Take your own advice Clarke. Go back to your people and continue to be the great leader that you were born to be."

"I can't go back there," Clarke told her.

"You saved their lives Clarke, they owe you everything. I don't see why they would not continue to accept you as their leader," Lexa told her earnestly.

"It's not that," Clarke replied. "I can't face being around them after what I did in the Mountain. When I look at my mum all I can think about are the hundreds of children I killed. When I see Jasper I think of him cradling Mya's dead body. The girl that risked everything to help my people but whom I sent to her death."

Lexa could not fully comprehend Clarke's personal struggle but she was keen to support her in any way that she could.

"Then stay here with us Clarke. You will be safe here under my watch."

Lexa waited nervously for Clarke's reply. She hoped that by keeping Clarke by her side she would be able to help her battle her personal demons and that in time Clarke would slowly start to trust Lexa again.

"I can't," Clarke told her remorsefully. "Thank you for the offer but I need to be alone right now. I hope that you understand."

"I don't Clarke," Lexa admitted. "But it is your decision. I feel it is a foolish one that you are making but you know your own mind."

Lexa got to her feet and began to back out of the room. She felt embarrassed for once again showing Clarke her true feelings and for being rejected a second time. She felt anger for Clarke's selfish decision to abandon her people to go off alone but most of all she felt sorrow for this truly felt like the end of their entwined paths.

"I will have the guard release you and give you some provisions for you journey," she told Clarke. "Remember that you will always be welcome here as long as I am Commander. Remember also that your people would accept you back without a moments hesitation. It's a dangerous world out there Clarke of the Sky People. Be safe."

With those final words Lexa fled from the prison. She quickly relayed instructions to the guards posted outside then strode out of the camp and into the woods. She needed time away from her people. Time to let her feelings run free before she buried them for good. Clarke had made her decision, Lexa had to accept it, she had to let her go. She let the tears flood from her eyes as she made her way blindly through the woods. She did not know where she was going, she only knew that she could not bear the anguish of watching Clarke leave the camp. Instead she had turned her back on Clarke as she had done before and mustered her last remaining inner strength to walk away from her.

Her heart had yearned for Clarke's forgiveness but her head had told her that it would not be easily done. As usual her head had been right.

From this day forward she made a vow to herself to never allow another to command her heart again.

_Head over heart. _

**And that's it! I hope I did the two characters justice. I'd thought about continuing with this but I genuinely don't know where I would take it next so I feel it's best to let it go and focus on new stories. **


End file.
